Monday, November 3, 2008

Check your smiles at the door

i can't control the volume of my voice.
journaling, surfing, reading, the outdoors, sports, dancing and music are my therapy.
i enjoy good company.
rough housing is my guilty pleasure.
i'm competitive-and i WILL win.
chocolate ice cream is the way to my heart.
being a hopeless romantic gets the best of me. 

So about maybe six, seven years ago I joined myspace. There is profile section titled "About Me" where you are given the freedom to write whatever you wish. Above is the thing I wrote and I haven't changed it since. I read that from time to time and I still feel like it rings true to certain core parts of who I am. 

The reason why I write this is because of the first line. "I can't control the volume of my voice". If you know me at all, you know this is true, but today or maybe the past few days, I am starting to think for the first time that this is a negative trait that I possess. I actually really enjoyed that aspect about myself. It never really crossed my mind as something negative but here, in India I h
ave been running into trouble with it. I've been told that I laugh too much and too loud and in general I just make too much noise. And yes, this is very true but I have always surrounded myself with people who appreciate it, if not laugh harder, dance faster, and talk louder. 

so what if i like to dance and sing around these 
so what if i like to stay up and laugh with my friends?
so what if i enjoy great conversations till late at night?
so what if i love to blast music before dinner time for a quick dance?

so what right?

i'm feeling so contained. My wings are clipped and every time I want to spread them, someone closes the cage. I'm here in India trying to squeeze out my time and be me to the fullest but i can't. 

I feel like I can't have fun. and if any of you guys know me at all, you will know that this is a big, big problem for me. 

I'm conflicted. Do I change and become more reserved for these few boring people? or do I march to my own drum and enjoy myself with people who also enjoy the beat i make? (cause there are a handful of those, thank 

Well, for now I will make noise. I will sing, I will dance, I will for sure laugh, and I will talk. But a girl could be told that she's noisy so much until she reaches breaking point. I refuse to reach breaking point. 

I'll leave you with a song that has always rang true to my heart but it's even more so now...

i wanna go where the mountains are high enough 
to echo my song
i wanna go where the rivers run deep enough
to drown my shame
i wanna go where the stars shine bright enough
to show me the way
i wanna go
where the wind 
calls my name

-india arie 


Andrew said...

Don't worry Crystal. Just be yourself. It's not like you're offending somebody's culture. Some people just don't know who they are and so they can't express it out loud. When they see somebody as confident as you are, they get jealous. Don't let it get you down and just be who you feel comfortable being. Love you.

Christina said...

To my coolest baby.
I love you, Crystal.
I think you having a hard time there. I still trust you could do it. Still I am so proud of you no matter what I will be here for you. I miss you so much.

you_saucy_minx said...

Hey crystal~ finally getting a chance to comment on your blog. Seems like you're facing so many new challenges...hang in there and make the most of your trip! Youre doing amazing things!
Let's hang out when you get back!